The Wolf Cries

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Scared not Death….
Tonite, I am scared. U see, mggu lepas aku ade meeting hari rabu. Then hari Khamis, aku dpt tau yg hari sabtu ade gotong-royong kat sekolah. Pada masa yang sama, aku juga dapat tau yang kete aku hanya akan siap bila aku setelkan masalah rim yg rosak hr tu. Selagi x beli/ganti rim tayar tu, selagi tu kete aku hanya akan tersadai kat bengkel tu.

So..aku amik keputusan aku nak amik cuti – Khamis, Jumaat & Sabtu. Plannye : aku balik umah hr Khamis, pi Ipoh ngan abg Haris hr Jumaat, n setelkan apa yg patut hr Sabtu. Semua plan nie menjadi.


Cuma masalahnya ialah, aku x amik pun cuti. Aku call my boss few time, tp x dapat. And then aku pi amik MC, tp the doctor refuse to gv me MC. So skrg reputasi aku sgt teruk sbb aku dahle x mention aku nak cuti kat GB, and then aku xde sbrg dokumen utk back-up aku.

Skrg is a bad time for thing like this. Skool aku br dapat GB baru. Dia dh tahu ttg mslh skool dr cikgu lama, n determine to solve the problem. Aku x nak jadi example pertama..


But the worse thing is, my over-reacted mind is doing it’s stupid job and I cant stop it. Aku asyik terpikir mcm mana kalo aku kene tindakan tatatertib and mcm mana aku akan react. Aku mesti meletop sbb selama nie aku sering brpegang pada prinsip aku buat keje aku sebaik mungkin, n I will b ok. But pd masa yang sama, aku x leh lari dr perangai aku yg suka judge org.

Aku mmg x suka judgemental person, but aku mengaku aku mcm tu. Aku suka tgk org, and I normally keep my opinion to myself. So that’s ok, I think. Bukannya aku menyakiti hati sapa2 pun.


So..aku sentap le. Kalo aku yg slama nie wat keje baik (mgkin xlah sebaik mana, tp aku determine to do my best), tp wat salah sikit je kene sentap. Tp kalo org yg stakat berdiri atas pagar, x nk wat sbrg decision, boleh lepas dr segala2nya. X aci la kan. Sedar2 10,15 tahun lg dia pencen n happily ever after.
Sedangkan org2 mcm aku yg wat keje n take some risk, hv to pay for the risk they taken, for the rest of their life. Ye la, kdg2 benda boleh effect dlm rekod, juga pada gaji..or worse pada pencen nanti.


Tapi ni semua dlm otak aku je. Benda x jadi apa2 lagi for now.. Aku kene belajar to stop thinking like this. Selalu sgt bila aku wat salah, or even org lain wat salah, minda aku akan berfikir jauh sgt ke depan. Selalunya akan imagine the bad things je. Sedangkan kadang2 the consequence x le seteruk yang dibayangkan. Aku juga kadang2 siap defend diri dgn mcm22 persediaan. Sedangkan semua tu x perlu pun. Chill Out, gme!!

Aku akan delete blog lagi satu sbb link dgn skool punyer blog. so, aku akan pndah notes2 dr sana ke sini. tarikhnya agak lama... tp semua akan dilabel ngan Lonewolf

Posted by Gmenique Ash Wednesday, October 21, 2009 comments (0)

A lot of thing happened lately. latast wud be, the Beyonce concert - cancelled. Really looking forward for it. but then, wattodo?
Work.as usual. HAte my assistant. trying to not talk or even look at her face. lot of plans actually, but less motivated to do. And it almost the end of school season. just 4 week to go. n then, bye bye kids!
this man is going for a vacation, hopefully. it must be. i didnt do it last year, and feel so missing out.
and hope to go to the east coast. miss Besut.
tgh cari mini laptop
lately i been a bit weak, mind and body.
this cough is not going anywhere, and job are so dull.

today, i went to my class after dat **** go home. try to cmplete my mural, unluckily the water supply is out. so, i take a rest in my thnking chair. my eyes catch smthng i havent see for a long time. MY DIARY!

well..more of my notes actually. coz there's a lot of scetch and "list of thing to do" than a diary.
but, i found my notes from early last year. from the first day i ever step in here.

I must say, i've been far than i had ever imagine..literally.
last year, u even thought about quitting..jobs, hope n everything.
i was so miserable. no happy feeling, like in hell for a week. lonely and sad.
but look at where i am now. still here.

and it kinda answers all my question in those notes:
1. Ini 3 hari, blum 3 mggu, 3 bulan, 3 tahun. mcm mana nk hidup kat sini?
2. Adakah ini perasaan sementara nak fit in?
3. adakah aku akan menyusahkan semua org kalau aku berenti?
4. inikah kehidupan aku untuk 3 thn berikutnya?

well, i'm here n living. miserable but keep going.
it's not dat bad, but there are time i just wanna scream.
how wonderful life when u know where you're heading...

Aku akan delete blog lagi satu sbb link dgn skool punyer blog. so, aku akan pndah notes2 dr sana ke sini. tarikhnya agak lama... tp semua akan dilabel ngan Lonewolf


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Yesterday was a happy news.
got money, manage to do all to-do list, had a gr8 food, like nothing ever go wrong.
but yesterday, true is a history. It had happenend and there's a few things, here and there that i wish i could do better. Yet, yesterday turn out fine, and it slept throught it just fine.



But today is a different story.
Today is full of mysteries and challenges.
Today could be the greatest day happened to me, or a lesson for the rest of my life!
To think of the bad things - there might be a ppl who hate u, mad at u, wanna u dead!
And then u started to built a hope that ppl wud come at ease with u. Comfort and calm u through all the mess.
finally bought myself a MSI WIND! Love it!

But that's life. Chez La Vie.!
You cant live life in fear of making mistake, take a wrong turn, choosing a wrong path.
That's not life if its prescript and rehearsed.

Life is about do mess. Do big mess, screw your head out.
But find your way out of it is the key of ll this.
Your entire life saver is your faith. Knowing that you're doing the right thing for the one that cares!

May 6, 2010. 11:46 PM

SOPAN ~

Saya bukan lembut, tapi sopan!

haha.. iwan mmg kawan aku yg sgt kelakar n lincah! haha..

Growing up, life taught u about the rule n cheat.
Me myself believe the rule is great. It's like the jungle.
Lion eat deer, deer eat tree. Too many deer, tree will pupus. So, we hv to let nature take it course.

But, remember, too many lion, not a good thing anyway.
oklah, x nak peningkan korg dgn perumpamaan segala ini.

so my problem in life is having ppl doubted me. aku slalu dulukan keperluan org lain b4 aku. sbb dr kecik aku kene dgr ckp org being i'm bongsu. my weakness is feeling guilty.

But when we live in KL, it's a living city. Anybody can fit in if they find the right companion. We're free to become whoever we wanna be. there's ppl who will accept the way we are.

but smtime, we all know better that freedom without garis panduan is a car without a brake. jalan je, smpai lggr tiang br berenti.

Kdg2, in search to being urself, u might go overboard. even term overboard tu we all can define sendiri. hari tu ade page facebook lady Ga-go, sabahan i think. ramai je yg kutuk dia. so, sndiri pndg cerminla

I know jalan yg aku pilih nie. Kwn2 aku mostly lembut/sopan like me. I feel relax, free with them. Tp terkadang, when we separated for a long time, and semua org dh jumpa jalan masing2, it's not terkejut that we all will change.

And when we all meet again, we wont be the exactly the same person we known before. But i hope we have the same affection towards each other.

I am me. Mungkin juga aku sedikit berubah, untuk menjadi diri aku yang lebih baik. X nk la ckp makin matang, coz i think matang have been overated. Aku harap dalam kita berubah, kita semua masih boleh menjadi sahabat...walau cita2, citarasa, perasaan kita kini berlainan tatkala kita mula2 kenal dulu.

So, in love note... friends, i need u. coz u all make me feel good of myself. Mgkin kdg2 we all go circle, sentap ngan org nie, kita ke sana; sentap sana, datang sini; tapi yg penting we always come back. jgn pernah fikir utk putus terus. Coz forgivness is sweetest gift...

Ethiophia - the happy city!

6 May, 2010. 11:15 pm

hEROES cOMe AnD gO

I remember how hard my childhood is.
I was the brightest boy in skool, n in my family. I fight for no 1 in class with my nemesis, Fazni the girl who hv everythng. Well, financially, n everythng was kinda ok that time. But still, i was never happy.

Aku x dipilih sbg ketua dlm bdg apa2 pun, coz ckgu x pikir aku ckp tough. My family treat me like a naive kid. i never bond with my 7 brothers. they all bersilat, n my family known for wakil bola sepak. My sisters amik adik angkat from my classmate. Sentap x?

The point is, no matter how good i am, ppl always see this mask on my body. All they see is i'm LEMBUT. It was really hard for me. Even when at high skool, ustaz & ustazah - the person who i anggap mmbawa imej agama, still kutuk2 aku. Aku boleh le baca Al-Quran, tp ustaz tu x benarkan aku utk blajar tarannum, sbb suara aku slow katanya.. Ustazah aku tanya , "mana budak lembut tu, x datang ke?" masa aku x hadir.

I was so frustrated. Aku melihat sepupu aku yg moden n seksi di sblh umah. They live in KL. Ppl still kutuk2 depa coz their cj=hoice of life, but org yg kutuk tu no better. cuma they look so obvious. BUt overall, they have their own life, n x kacau duit org.

There was a time, bila dihimpit gitu, aku pernah tersasar sekejap. Aku nk ke KL (mcm sutun pulak), n be proud of myself. My sister, my ustazah, n everybody semuanya brcakap pasal agama...like aku ni satu dosa. I was a child!!! What did i do that was so bad?

Aku drop out skolah agama, aku masuk St John. Skool tu ade church besar, every sunday ade prayer. Kalo nk sesat senang je. Tapi, nasib baik le aku akhirnya jmpa bbrp org yg show me the way. Aku feel good of me. And aku tahu how to make me feel good. I was happy. Dan pada masa itu, aku kenalpasti apa yg buat aku happy, walau plannya x sehebat mana.

Syukur..jalan yang aku tempuhi membawa aku ke jalan yg aku plan. Matrix di KL, degree n found great friends that now i call friend... n i still know what i want, what i dont want to do.. but, aku x ckp aku x pernah wat mistake. tp wat life without mistake yg akan mematangkan kita?

6 May, 2010. 10:54 AM

Love Me, Hate Me..

Aku rasa my problem is like going cirlce. haha.. mcm wat blog nie la. when smpai certain point, tetiba aku rasa mcm aku jadi berhati-hati menulis blog nie, sedangkan blog nie adalah my solution of my keeping-to-self problem.

so kalo aku berhati2, means that aku x mengucapkan apa yg spatutnya menjadi tujuan wujud blog nie..

OK, i try. cuma 2 be all-out completely, may take time. sbb aku still have that in me, risau if aku ckp benda yg aku regret later. aku x suka sakitkan hati org dgn kata, n i believe that a good thing. kdg2 rasa mcm at that time, aku dikuasai emosi...and org mcm aku berada dlm satu emosi yg lama. aku kalo merajuk lama, kalo marah pun, akan ambik masa utk sejuk. Tapi, kalo aku happy, lama jugak aku tersenyum.

Ingat lagi pada masa dulu, aku pi konsert HMI Anuar Zain. masa tu duk ngan kak mas.
Hari2 pasang lagu Anuar Zain. Bila pagi je, pasang lagu Suria Dan Siarra.

Selamat Pagi Sang Suria, ceriakan pagi

konon2 pemula pagi le tu.

Ah, komplikatednya. So, after this...try made up my mind cepat2, but then aku amik decision. Bukannya macam sblm nie, aku pendam smpai ke satu tahap akhirnya aku lupakan je benda tu. No, thus time i cool down (so that aku x menulis ikut emosi), but then, aku akan menulis di sini. Let my heart pour out in this white canvas, hoping you guys to understand better of me. In hope, we make better this relationship i L.O.V.E.. our FRIENDSHIP!

May 4, 2010. 1:47 AM

Jeans VS Tracksuit

I think jeans is the most popular choice 2day.
Everybody should have at least 2 good pair of jeans in their closet, so-called. i always chose blue jeans, never really fond with black. I think it's mutually to say, jeans make a statemnt in dressing. It's not too simple, but not too sloppy. maybe becos it's too popular, it become too common smtime. i remmber i was kinda boycotting jeans at 1 time, coz i think it's too common. haha..that's me. i hate when smtime ppl are willingly suck up to the whirlpool of popularity.

Tracksuit? huh? sm ppl might hv that impression.. me too.. when looking to others.
But i'm wearing them most of the time everyday. But what is it to compare with jeans. Well, only for some occasion ppl where it. But, if we really pay attention, there's a trend wearing tracks in middle of city. it become a trend as ppl are picking up the trend of hitting n crumping in those gym or futsal..

So, what?
I'm not gonna be a fashion stylist rite here. i know i'm no good at it. The only lesson i know bout fashion is from ANTM, Project Runway or from my fashionista fren.
but that's all.

Few days ago, i'm buying a jeans again. coz all i have is a tracksuit.
I already make a swear to myself to not buy any size of jeans bigger than 34. That's the limit. Either i buy the tight jeans, or i tighten upp my belly. haha.. these obesity is haunting me.

it hard to keep track with my weight these days. i wanna lose weight, but i dont want to force myself. but, what is a goal without a push? well, losing weight is not my biggest concern. finding happiness just to go tru each day is..

so, i'm wearing tracks everyday coz it's comfortable, n stretchable. it just fit itself to how big i grow up to be. let me forget bout the weight my feet have to drag.

with this size, wearing jeans is a pain in the ass - literally.
smtime i hv bruises all over my feet. but, at least it remind me to stop ignoring the fact that i am turning to a buncit man.

Friends = smtime like a seluar we wear.

There are friends like jeaans, it come spot on. they told u thing that smtime, u dont wanna hear. but u know deep inside those words were true. but ur mind keep tricking u. u hate those jeans, coz it make u feel bad. and u try to avoid the frens who tell u the truth coz u feel uncomfortable. friends supposed to make us happy, is it? isnt that the purpose ppl make frens?

Tracksuit frens, they alter themselves, make u feel it all still ok. u hang around with them, coz they make u forget at least 1 of all the mess u have to face everyday. it not soo fashionable, but who care? u feel good, n it's all that matters!

but, it not for long. they will torn, busted at certain point. that time, u know u r no longer fit anywhere. in Jeans, or that torn TRacksuit...

Love ~~

May 2, 2010..

Sudoku @ 5.30 am

It's 5.30am of my 28th birthday, n i'm awake.
Sebelah aku ialah my fren yg keletihan, n probably x dgr lagu

Happy - Leona Lewis

yg aku pasang dengan volume 1 dr Sony S312 aku.

cant sleep, or maybe it just my mind refuse to sleep.
Tonite was an insight. that's why i dont want to sleep.
My original plan was to have a good chat with the girls, but the plan was changed, or may i say hi-jacked. haha.. it's ok. i dont wanna be such a brat. My friends' happiness is my happiness..

so..it was so good sitting in the dark, alone.
give time to me to think bout what is it that i really wanted. All this time, i was so obsessed of finding my true self. About who i am, what i want people to think of me, what i might missed, what i was supposed to do, what was waiting for me outside the little world i trapped now..

but all the image i see is the person i dont want to be.
aku x nak jd like those ppl who have enuf of life, think that they already have everything in life they wanted. so now they want to rest and just go each day 1 day at a time.

aku juga x nak jadi mcm org yg terlampau relaks. relaks smpai xde plan wat to do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. no plan to make sure the in-coming days will be better than the present. ready or not, future is gonna come anyways..

so these are two type of ppl i dont wanna be. Circle them out, and that's the person that I WANNA BE>

but it was never simple like that. So, i ask myself the big Q :

What kind of the person i wanna be?

honestly, i dont know. itu masalah terbesar untuk aku pada masa ini. dan aku perlu cari jawapannya secepat mungkin. Tapi, dalam pada itu, aku harap pengajaran, pengalaman dan iman akan menyuluh aku dari buat benda yang menyebabkan transformasi aku ke GME 2.0 terbantut.

Harap juga aku jumpa teman yang sanggup dan mahu bersamaku untuk sama-sama kita mengharungi loan jangka masa panjang ini..

Sayang kalian semua.
28, 2 tahun lagi dh jadi 30. takutnyee...

Monday, 26 April 2010. 6:26 pm

Sedapnya mkn jagung bakar. Hehe. X jadi tido sbb meeting tadi habis kul 5.
2day was a surprise day. Meeting ngan GB, a lot of seriousness, in a good way.
Dia pi cek kwsn sekolah tadi, kebetulan pulak aku siap lewat tadi. Kul 8.30 br smpai kelas. Haha.. Terkejut juga bila diberi warning olh kwn2 kata GB amik nama sapa2 yg lewat.

So..bila meeting, a lot of thing came up. A lot of warning, instruction n reminder. Tp smuanya ok sbb I think it’s all reasonable.

My PPM is on the term of not talking to me. But not me. Aku bg je keje kat dia. Padan le dgn amount keje yg spatutnya dia buat, apa yg dia buat tu sgt sikit, n very keje nk melepaskan beban je.

Tp tadi lepas meeting nmpak dia jmpa GB. Almaklum 2 org lg PPM asrama dpt tukar. So.. dia pon bersedih la.. X kisah la. Aku lebih suka anggap dia x exist. So I got nobody to blame, but me.

That’s all 2day. I know it gonna be a big thing with this GB soon. That’s y I think this post is so important moment.

BTW< td cikgu Siyoh from Tabika Kemas dtg pra ajak join hari potensi pra. Syok! Ini la peluang nak latih budak.. sukanya!!

Push The Button

Sunday, 25 April 2010

Today was the last day to submit brg tukar.
Well, aku dh submit, siap dgn announcement lagi. Hr khamis lepas la.
Si Wardi announce mntak borg dr aku guna speaker.. harus satu sekolah, dr cikgu smpailah org kantin n org kg yg umah dekat sekolah tau yg aku nk tukar.

Aku mmg x bgtau sesapa yg aku nk tukar. cuma aku sll smbg ngan lalitha psl prtukaran. tp lalitha pn jrg bersembang ngan sapa2, so benda persembangan tu x tersebar meluas.

So skrg semua dh tau aku apply transfer. Aku mls nk bgtau sebenarnya sbb bila org tau, orang akan mula wat reasoning. "Ooo dia nk tukar, patutlah......."

Mgkin aku x dpt tukar, mgkin juga dpt. Tp at least aku sending a message, that aku want out from here. That mean smthing i want is not here, or i dont want smthng here. The statement betul dr ke2-2 aspek..

Aku x berharap, tp dlm otak dh terbayang2 possibility of life out there. mgkin ade susahnya jugak. Gaji lg sikit, keje lg banyak. mgkin juga aku akan kene jd coach bola sepak mcm ayuti, or jd warden asrama?? But aku x nak duk sini dengan alasan x nak challenge or x nak wat keje. so benda2 ni tolak tepi je. pasal duit tu, i think i'll manage.

mgkin lepas nie aku pakai kete yg murah2 sikit. ala..org keje biasa2 pun dpt hidup ok je wat? aku pun bkn suka benda luxorious sgt..

aku slalu berdoa agar aku x menyesal di kemudian hari dengan tindakan ini.
Takut, tp aku ada kekuatan untuk menghadapinya.

Remember, being brave is not about not being scared, but bout doing what a bravery wud do..

The Angel Cries..

22 April 2010, Khamis

Hari nie, i'm alone. my assistant kuar. bosan. n everybody want to make a fuss about it. saje je nk wat kntroversi. bosan lagi. skrg i menulis di pejabat sorg2..well, actually lalitha (the only indian teacher here, pity her) tgh speak in tamil dgn hubby dia. normally he speak english, but he know i understand... so he campuration, even smtime malay.

sabtu nie, dateline penghantaran borg transfer. aku x siap lagi form, but i'll settle it smhow esok. mggu nie x kluar sbb sabtu sekolah.

aku mintak selangor, coz itu negeri yg ade sbb bagi aku.. aku nk re-live my UPM moment. nk amik master.

but kalo dipikir balik, aku lg suka ke Penang. Penang mcm Taman yg besar.. rasa mcm berjalan2 di dalam negeri yg kecil, mcm dunia yg kecil. tp..aku takut susah pulak nk dapat.

hr tu ms bgtau mak, mak kata : " amboi, nk pi lagi jauh ka?". cian gak kat dia. aku tau dia mesti terkilan sbb aku yg slalu kamceng ngan dia. selera mkn sama, kami suka mknn kg, kami suka mengemas rumah (obviously la), even kami slalu sembg2 pasal gosip2 org kg. kakak2 aku yg lain, nama je duk umah, tp lebih suka wat hal sendiri, x pon ngadap astro. kdg2 aku rs aku bkn benci astro, tp aku benci perangai dorg..

but i hv to make decision for myself. aku x leh mintak kedah, sbb aku rasa dirantai di kaki duk dekat umah. aku xde bilik kat umah, dok ruang tamu je. itu ok lagi.. mslhnya aku brg byk. when brg2 aku berselerak, n susah nk cr, aku mula naik angin. i dont like that part of me.

aku penah try stay umah sewa kat kedah, tp x jadi gak. ms ngan syam, i was fun. tp susah, msti nk blik tgk umah jap gak. x pon mak akan ajak aku ke mana2. ke market la, pi psr la, pi umah tokjang la. so, finally aku kensel umah sewa, n kembali duk umah, n kembali tensen.

aku dh try wat rule. i dont like messy house. smtime, aku stay up smpai kul 2 pg, smpai smua org tido, n then kemas umah. but, kejap je kemas, pastu...

so, aku berazam, nk ade umah sndiri, or at least bilik sendiri. i like my board of plan, my list of 'thing to do', my display of faveret music, n psg muzik kuat2 dlm bilik gelap, dengan cahaya n bau aromaterapi..

so, aku mntak selangor..in hope to have a better life on my own..
doakan kejayaan aku.. 1 day..

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Hari nie pi mandi sungai. Dekat je, kat tepi sekolah. Plan ustaz2 nie, saje sbb smlm dh berhempas pulas menyambut kedatangan VIP.

Mula2 gerak hati aku ckp mcm x yah pi. Dh le nk mandi, nnti mesti aku kene kutuk lagi. Tp ustaz roommate aku nie ajak plak. X smpai hati nk tolak. Lgpon, aku mgkin blh gunakan sedikit peluang utk bergembira stlh berpenat 2.
So, aku pun ikut berkelah. Sedap gak makan dlm keadaan mcm tu, walau menu simple : nasi ngan sardine, telur rebus, ikan kering, budu, magi n chocolate cake. Pi mkn, n then terus bermandi-mandian.

Aku pon seronok mandi. Good things so far..

But then come trouble. Si Rasid bawak Spa set. Ala2 lulur la. Pastu wat lawak kedai urut kat si mat Yi dengan aksi ghairah. Aku terus fobia. Nnti kalo aku tengok mesti dikata berminat. Eii…geramnya. Tp nasib baik ade si Kay. Die yg kene, tp die x kesah. So lepas la azab aku…
Pastu, kami semua wat hal sendiri. Aku pun x taw nape, tp aku rase blank. Aku jd sgt diam. X ckp pe2 pon. Susah nk mandi dlm current air yg sgt kuat. Tp itu le adventurenyer…

At 1 time, they decide nk main dare challenge… Semua org kene ride the current n biarkan diri dihanyutkan arus.. Just let go. Aku mmg suka bab laju2 nie. Sbb tu aku sgt suka roller coaster, or Solero shot yg kat genting tu. It’s like a peek of danger of death. MEncabar!!!

Tp, aku just stay behind, let them hv their fun.
But, tiba2 sorg mamat nie, chicken out. Die nie kalo korg ingat adlh mamat topic PLU detector yg aku post kat FB dulu. Die nie aku rasa OCD kot… mmg control gile. Dia jln dlm air pun sgt berhati2. Xde penglaman katanya.. haha

Tp cian kat die. For a person like him, aku rasa dia sgt tercabar egonya.. Depa cuba teknik peer pressure spy die try. Tp dia x nak gak. Si Kay yg penakut tu pun wat 2 kali, walau dengan paksaan. Menjerit mcm makcik2 nmpak katak si Kay tu. But at least die try. Si mamat nie, smpai ke sut x wat2 gak..

1 thing obvious..dlm sibuk2 diorg dok persuade mamat control nie try wat challenge tu, nobody dare me. Aku duk je kt tepi tu. It’s not like I wanna do it, but if they hv asked me, I wud do it. Kinda felt like alienate.

And everything make sense to me. Smlm, actually lawatan dr YB utk melawat kelas aku. Tp nmpak gaya semua org bertungkus lumus siapkan kelas masing2. Nobody bother to help me…walau aku yg akhirnya tlg org lain. Aku nie tido 3 jam je.

Tp akhirnya, bila YB dtg, semua sibuk2 nk lari. Nk halang YB dr mlawat kelas diorg, akhirnya ke kelas aku yg dibawa. Smpai penuh kelas. But, aku x terpikir pon ms tu bab nape xde org nk tlg aku. Mgkin sbb aku ade sedikit rude masa Rasyid offer nk tolong aku.

Masa tu aku tgh fed-up with everything. Aku ingat nk tawakkal je. X nak wat ape2 smbutan. So, aku pun reply “ Kalau nk tlg, tlglah” smbil surf FB. Well, I kinda asked for it. Aku pun x reti nk arah2 org. all idea came str8 from my mind. No plans.

So, skrg aku nk figure out apa yg perlu aku rasa..

Adakah aku perlu happy sbb diorg dh x bg perhatian kat aku? Aku mmg nak diorg tau yg aku terasa ngan joke2 bodoh diorg. But being alienate is merimaskan. Aku rasa jahat, n I don’t like being accuse rude n jahat.. I’m Mr Nice.. Mr Love for all.. Love light up the world…

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Hr nie wat keje pra – menceriakan pra, tp lebih kepada mengemas. Hmmm.. my pembantu nie x taw le. Aku rasa wat keje ngan budak pra lagi senang. Tp pukul 12 depa dh balik dah..

Mana taknye. Kene suruh step by step. Nak suruh keje sekaligus, nnti nmpak mcm zalim lak. Dah le aku wat keje sambil berpikir.. wat satu siap, baru tau nk watpe plak..
Bila aku suruh balut kotak, smpai setengah jam. Samada dia mmg x reti wat keje or die mmg sengaja wat keje lambat2, so aku xleh le bagi keje lain lak. Tapi masalahnya, esok dh jumaat, tp hari nie mengemas pun x siap lagi. Mana aku punya fail2 pun x siap2 lagi nie.

Aku rasa kalau aku nak kene mmg akan kena gak. Banyak sgt salah untuk disembunyikan. But at least, aku dh berusaha.

Sebenarnya, di sebalik kepenatan ini, aku gembira jugak. This is what I like. Aku suka wat keje2 kreatif nie. But after what happen before, aku jadi malas. Dah le kita penat2, pstu sakit hati, pastu x dihargai, pastu x bertahan lama mana pun. Dah le x tolong masa on process, nak suruh wat keje maintenance pun x leh harap.

So, bila ade peluang macam nie, aku wat le sehabis-habisan. Kalau ikut hati, mmg rasa tercabar gak ego aku ni. Almaklumlah, waktu2 gini semuanya wat keje sebab arahan dari org atasan. Tapi kalo x, selama nie aku suruh buat tak? Jwpnye….

Td meeting pasal lawatan Tuan Pengarah Noor Rezan Bapoo. So, mcm tu ejaan nama dia. Aku ingat Norizan Bapoo, n aku bygkan lelaki. I was so wrong.
That meeting was so dissapointing in so many way. 1, of coz is Pak Lang. 2, o well, i the point of the lawatan is so mengarut. Pointless.
Semua org suruh aku prepare kelas. Whatever dat mean...
Sazali, n even Pak Lang suruh aku sediakan rekod kemajuan murid. The hell?
I wish i could yell, n say WtF!!
This sudden attention to pra is driving me mad.
Aku sndiri xde plan nak watpe. The main thing is aku xde mood nk wat keje.
N everybody guessing that aku tensen wat keje.
Let them be. Yg penting aku selamatkan diri aku dulu.

My roomate just came. I think dia org plg meluat ngan aku coz tabiat aku nie. We hardly speak coz we got nothing to speak. Aku sure kalo aku jadi die pon aku meluat ngan aku. But he wasn’t so great anyway. Dia ustaz, tp x nmpak sgt ke’ustaz’annya. Mgkin pada ketayap n nama. Bukan ape, aku jrg tgk dia wat benda sunat pon. Yg wajib pon last2 minit. Well, x kasahla. Itu amal ibadat dia.
But yg plg aku benci is how hipokrit he is. Smtime when ada org dtg bilik, dia pon ckp psl benda keagamaan yg dia wat. Liar! Kdg2 bila aku psg headphone, dia sengaja psg lagu2 kuat2. Last time, dia pasang lagu Keith Urban. I’m sure dia x taw pon lagu tu tajuk apa. Mana dia dapat pon x taw le. Smtime, dia pasang bacaan Al-Quran, itu aku xleh complain. Tp apa guna pasang kalo diri xde. Aku je yg stay kat bilik. Dia ntah merayap kat mana. Siap psg external speaker lagik. Bila dia balik, dia pasang internet, dia sndiri tutup. So i guess dia sndiri x tahan dgn betapa kuat dia psg. Tp mengapa tutup terus? Kan boleh psg je. Mgkin dia pon sbnrnya x dgr sgt pon.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Skrg dh pukul 2.43 pagi. Cant sleep. Nyamuk byk.
My roomate brdengkur like hell. But i get used to it. Mslh nyamuk yg x tahan nie. Tp bila bukak lapptop, xde plak. Mgkin sbb cahay kot. Or mebi bkn nyamuk, but pijat instead. Byk bekas gigit nyamuk kat badan aku. Takut gak..
Bateri laptop tggal 2:17. Means: kalo aku berjaga pon, x smpai pagi. Smpai kul 5 je.
Yess.. aku dh dpt pukul sekor nyamuk. Tp aku x kan berjaga smpai pagi.
No use. Rugi bateri n esok akan ngantuk ms kelas.

3.30 am
Oklah. Nyamuk dh mcm xde dah nie.
Maybe i should try to sleep. Heran plak, kat sini x ngantuk plak mcm kat umah. Kalo kat umah, asyik tetrido je smbil tgk movie. Mgkin kat sini dh nyk tido siang..
Aku rasa esok aku kene ikhtiarkan cari kelambu. Tanya jen or achik....

Aku kesian tgk cikgu baru yg masuk sini – Kay.
Obviosly PLU detect! Sbb tu depa asyik gurau ngan dia, kata dia suka batang la, pregnant la, main ngan jantan la... mcm2! Tp dia mcm happy2 je. X tau dia wat2 atau dia mmg x terasa. But yg kesiannya, dia sgt mencuba utk try to fit in. Makan sama2, layan gurau2 depa, lepak, wat keje2 yg xde mende nk wat tu. Yg penting, main bola sama2 ngan depa.

I rasa bersyukur kerana aku x pernah mulakan main bola ngan depa. So finally depa dh x ajak dah. Walaupon kebelakangan ini, depa mcm membeza2kan aku dgn Kay sbb aku x pernah turun main bola. Yg aku kesiankan is when kay finally realize that, whatever u do, ppl akan nmpak ko sbg PLU. N when ko sedar, ko akan heartbroken. Aku dh rasa, sbb tu skrg aku x peduli apa depa nak kata. Nak kata aku x bergaul ke, x bermasyarakat ke, x kisah la. The fact that depa membandingkan aku ngan dia is 1 point that depa nie meletakkan kategori kami nie lain dr depa. I wish him all the happiness, but i know it’s a matter of time before he sedar that org x kan pernah lupa yg ko PLU. So u hv to fit in, but u dont have to lie to yourself. Aku x minat bola, x minat band2 rock kapak, x minat bertukang, x minat lepak2. Dat’s me. But aku leh borak2 just to fit in. But i draw my line, ok!

So, aku banyak berkurung di dalam bilik lately. Balik skool, aku tido smpai ptg. Ptg aku baca Reader’s Digest, or basuh baju, or tgk movie kat laptop. Kalo nasib baik, depa pasang generator jap pada waktu ptg. Aku pon smbung le tgk movie or tv series yg aku dah donlot pada weekend kat umah. Makan waktu mghrib, solat. Pastu mlm tgk berita, pastu aku tgk movie n tv series smpai le generator pdam kul 12. Kdg2 aku online after 12 smpai kul 2, n then tido. That’s kinda sum up wat i do everyday.
Then hari rabu, aku kene tugas masak. Not really masak, coz itu skill yg aku sgt suka, tp aku x pernah kuasai. Aku hanya tolong2 cuci pinggan n kemaskan dapur je. Dulu, itulah benda yg plg aku benci sbb aku akan di’kacau’ setiap kali masak. But now, aku rasa depa dh bosan kot..

At least pada hari Rabu, aku leh duduk di dlm kelompok depa tanpa menjadi perhatian.
Ramai juga yg kritik aku masa mula2 dulu. Sbb katanya aku x bergaul. Tp apa guna bergaul kalau setiap kali bukak topik, hati aku yg sakit. So enuff. Aku duk dlm gelap, pasang Gossip Girls, wear my headphone n the world is dissapear. Juz me, to do my own stuff.

Monday, April 12, 2010

It’s that time again. Aku hanya ingin habiskan minggu ini, supaya aku boleh berehat di rumah.

Tiada apa yang menggembirakan aku di sini.

Pengajaran = ok je. Budak2 x enjoy belajar. N nk wat keje pon mcm xde mood dgn pembantu aku yg x membantu. I always open my heart to accept as who she is. Means; wat takat mana yg dia nak wat. Kao dia x nak wat, so aku pon x yah le rajin2 wat. Tp susah. Deep in my heart, aku akan cuba wat sesuatu yang gmenique, but then there she was. Melihat n x taw nak watpe. It’s not my style le nk wat keje berganding bahu nie. If i want to do something, i expect u to do the other part to help me. Bukan wat the same thing i’ve been working on. That’s cheating!

Bahan2 pon xde, x banyak. Nk suruh dia beli, dia kata x leh sbb dia tmpang kak J, n then balik Taiping. Aku nk beli sendiri susah gak. 1, sbb aku bwk moto, ssh nk mengangkut brg2. 2, sbb aku malas nk sggah umah gerik. Everyweek, aku sggah gerik utk isi minyak je. Then aku pecut balik kedah terus. Aku singgah smbhyg jumaat kat mana2 masjid yang sempat. It kinda exhausting, tp itu x sepenat nk menghadapi mat2 rempit nie.

Mat2 rmpit nie.. mgkin aku patut cari nama baru utk mereka. Becoz depa dh x main moto sgt dah. Ramai dh bwk kete smpai tepi pngkalan bot. Nak bagi nama mat kete mcm mulia plak. Tp 1 thing remain unchanged is, n i think i getting bigger than before is their tahap “Geng bas Sekolah” mereka. Yesss! Geng Bas Sekolah!! GBS.. hahaha.. i call them GBS..

GBS nie skrg makin erat, ala2 bermain, belajar, makan bersama gitu. Almaklum skrg musim bola, pastu internet plg clear kat bilik sana.. so, depa sgt kerap berkumpul. Mammi pon apa lagi.. anak ikan semua kat bwh ketiak. Makin menjadi2 le dia.

Yg plg sakit hati is br2 nie. Bila dia kata aku berminat nk tgk ‘bird’ dia. Helo!!! Kalo korg semua bogel pon aku xkan ade apa2 rasa. Mcm mana aku boleh suka dgn org yg membuat 3 tahun aku merana. Dr zaman aku masuk dan dipanggil Sue, hinggalah skrg dikata minat kaum sejenis secara terang-terangan. Wat ever the bad thing i ever do to them? Smtime i try to play it cool. Wat mcm itu 1 of their gurau2 kasar. But it hurt when they really mean it. I know. Nk mkn pon mcm x lalu.

April 5 2010, Monday

The Feeling Is Back..

Rasa itu kembali lagi. Rasa untuk meninggalkan segala benda merepek kat sini untuk mencari diriku yg sebenar. Setelah beberapa mggu, hidup aku rasa kosong tanpa tujuan. Aku tiada tujuan dalam apa jua yang ingin ku lakukan. Tiada sesuatu untuk look forward to. As much as kegilaan ini membawa skali ketakutan tentang masa depan, tentang the uncertainty on what lies ahead. But at least aku ada benda yang membuatkan aku berfikir tika bangun di pagi hari..

Aku selalu marahkan Britney.. (sowie brit, u r a good friend of mine) sbb dia sll suruh aku thankful sbb ade keje yg bagus. I am thankful. And i can sense sbb apa brit ckp mcm tu. Co she know how hard it is for me before.

Aku penah merayau kat KL xde keje. menahan lapar, dgn duit RM 2 n pikir apa nak makan for next 2 day. samada nk mkn nasi kosong ke, nk mkn roti. i was hard those days. And it not just becoz of dat. Aku juga tebal muka sbb aku x taw who's to turn to. Kt kg aku rasa malu sgt sbb org sgt biasa dgn stigma "Graduan Menganggur". Aku jadi their living proof of what they know bout the current issue.

But the real problem is me. aku risau aku xde value di mata mereka. Aku bukannya pandai wat keje kg. X pandai tanam padi, jadi buruh kontrek ke, keje wokshop ke.. so pressure sgt. Keje ok is all i can do.

But, despite all that, i know i can do more. And i beleive dat there's gotta be more too life than dapat gaji hujung bulan, pay bills n enjoy. Aku nk career life. Smthng dat i can be proud of.

And i cant see dat's what i am doing right here.

Dont misjudge me, i LOVE my kids.

Thanks sbb sudi menjengah ke sini.
Aku cuma ucapkan ribuan terima kasih. Tiada paksaan untuk kalian membaca di sini, namun aku hargai andai kalian ingin meninggalkan komen buat diriku di sini.
Medan ini kubuka agar aku boleh berkongsi dengan kalian apa yang terjadi pada diriku.
Kerana kalu nak diharapkan aku bercerita, mgkin smpai bila2 pon takkan tercerita. Sebab aku tidak pandai nak mengadu, apa lagi nak meminta simpati. Seumur hidupku, aku diajar untuk menjaga diri sendiri dan tidak mengharapkan bantuan orang lain.
Namun, aku sedar kemampuan diriku. Aku masih perlukan teman untuk menyokongku. Aku perlukan kawan untuk mengatakan "it's all gonna be allright" bila aku tengah breakdown. But, i'll never ask. coz i dont know how to.

So, for that reason, aku thankfull pada kalian kerana kesempatan ini.
Maaf kalau kedengaran seperti melankolik di ruang ini, tapi aku hanya ingin mencurahkan segalanya di sini...
Salam sejahtera, buatmu-- Sahabatku
Assalamualaikum..