The Wolf Cries

Now that En Tikoos out of picture, i think i found my peace balik..
I dunno why i bertangguh2 nak suruh dia keluar. If i know, keamanan begini yg akan dihadapi, i wud do it sooner. Mungkin sbb i try to convine myself that he's not so bad.Or i sendiri x yakin if I can live with anyone else. See, i'm writing mcm isteri yg mintak divorce kan?

Btw, i hv no interest nak citer pjg2 psl dia.No regrets kan??
I learned a lot from this situation. I learn forgiveness. I learn courage. I learn priority.

Forgiveness.
As easy as org ckp, bukan senang nak maapkan dalam hati, betul? Cakap kat mulut, apalagi SMS, mmg la senang. Nak cakap i'm sorry, atau aku maafkan ko mmg x berapa best jika compare dgn mengamuk and luahkan apa yg terbuku di dada. Anger : mcm rasa lapar. adalah satu drive yg mendesak kita agar memenuhinya. Kalau kita tahan, kita yg x senang duduk. Tapi ada satu lagi nama dia : nafsu. So, dlm hati ni skrg mmg masih ada rasa x puas hati, tapi aku anggap itu seperti rasa lapar yg aku tahan ni. Aku tahan rasa marah itu, cuba padamkan rasa x puas hati itu, supaya aku dpt keamanan. Juga supaya aku belajar sebab kenapa aku perlu marah, x puas hati.. di mana silapnya. Apa yg boleh aku perbaiki.. 

Courage/Keberanian.
kwn2 tahu aku bukan jenis yg cari pasal. aku juga bkn yg byk songeh. Most of the times i end up punishing myself than other coz that's how i was raised. X payah menunding jari kt org lain, kerana jari itu akan akan kembali kat kita. Keburukannya, kdg2 things jut need to be 'let go', tanpa sapa2 kena punish. tp itu la kelemahan aku. So, utk jadi berani, ckp apa yg x puas hati, kdg2 perlu. I hate it when ppl being defensive pdhal xde bende pun. tp ade bende yg worth diperjuangkan. I hope when the time comes, i can master this skills. To learn when to sabar, when to fight, when to let go..

Priority / Keutamaan
Simple. U choose what u want to feel. And i choose to be happy. So we just do what in our power power to achieve the happiness. Kdg2 kita surrender kpd rasa marah, sbb dah x tahan. Tapi kdg2 kita tahan marah tu, and learn to accept keadaan itu... eventually we wud feel the happiness. Tapi, in my case, mungkin kerana terlalu lama memendam rasa marah, sbb tu yg lmbat rasa happy.

Should i get angry earlier? I dunno. I xde time-machine untuk membetulkan masa lampau. But, i have now, and future full of promissess. So.. no regrets!!

I kinda love with my diet skrg. I mean i can put anything in my mouth. Mgkin sbb aku sentiasa dlm mode lapar.

Good thing sejak duk bujang ni ialah kita lihat apa yg kita nak makan sblm dia jd mknn. I mean, bila nak goreng kita tgk brapa byk minyak, brapa byk gula.. dan apa rasanya kalo letak sikit. So, dh agak lama aku x mkn burger. Pi psr mlm jugak dh x menarik sgt.

Bila tgk mkn yg sedap, otak pikir psl kuantiti minyak, gula, garam+ ajinonomoto dan perencah2 serta kebersihan. Skrg ni aku msk smbal asyik kering je sbb takut nak letak minyak bebanyak. So, bila pi beli nasi lemak, teringat psl minyqk yg berlinang tu.

Satu lagi yg best, utk menahan lapar, perlulah menggigit jajan. Roti kering mekda yg penuh satu tin kejap je nak abih dah. Dulu jgn hrp la sapa nak sentuh roti tawar tu. Mmg mula2 mkn xde perasaan. Tp, bila selalu mkn, senang je masuk perut.

What i learn from this experience is: otak kita adalah mesin yg sgt hebat. Dia boleh buat kita rasa sst yg lain dr buasa. Mcmmana, rasa penat, ngantuk, semangat, sakit..

So, apa yg kita nak buat pon, dlm otak perlu percaya dulu, OK!

this picture was taken ms majlis berbuka puasa few weeks ago at Haslam restaurant off jln phg. it was charity event utk asnaf (miskin) dan anak yatim.

i love to attend event2 mcm ni coz i get to know the kids better in more friendly way. biasanya dlm kelas, cikgu2 sibuk nk ngajar in time constrain dan juga nak handle peel satu kelas yg mcm2. ada nk pi tandas, pensil hilanglah, jari luka, sakit perut... mcm2!! so, in event like dis, i can enjoy n talk, even play angry birds with them.. haha. syok!

the boy is fariszudin. he is cute n funny. but for sm reason i hv a blur memory bout him b4 dat day. tp bila ckp ngan dia, it hit smwhere deep in me. bdk ni pndai, tp sian.. miskin. n mskin d area kl ni lg la kesian. kita yg bergaji besar ni pon kdg2 kena ikat perut.. apa lg org berfamili mcm ni.

1 lg..dia tggal kt slyg. area ni, walau dkat kl, tp mcm kmpung. mentaliti. bdk2 kurg motivasi and terdedah pd byk bnda buruk. in a way, bnda2 ni lg teruk dr kg.. i wish the best for him. hrp2 jd org yg baik besar nnti. blh bwk famili keluar dr slumdog ni..

few day after.. i went teaching mcm biasa. totally forgot bout that nite as i was late masuk kelas n guru besar meronda2 d skolah. (jerit!!) tp ms balik ada bdk grab my back and ckp " nak main telefon?" it caught me by surprise coz bdk2 biasanya know their boundaries.. i enforce them :-[ haha... i look at him closely.. oh faris!!!

Ya Allah, br la perasan sapa dia rupanya. patut la selama ni kurg perasan dia. baju dia comot, and dia x byk ckp mcm the rest of the kid. i tgk muka dia lama2, n smwhere dlm hati ni rs sayu semacam. kesian bdk2 mcm ni yg kurg dpt perhatian. we, teacher bkn x nk lyn smua peel bdk2. tp we hv jadual and byk keje2 lain d bahu. masuk keluar masuk keluar, x dnafikan kdg2 yg menonjol saja kita pndang. sian.

i promised myself nver to single out any kids, even b4 dat day lg. but yet, dat was hapen. i promise myself i'll b better next time. Janji!!!

2day is 20th day in ramadhan. i lost 5 kg alredi. so happy. slowly i gonna be in size n shape of how i was 6,7 years ago.

i rmmber i used to hate being so thin coz i feel cold easily. even when other ppl sit in front of a fan with max speed.. to me, that the perfect weather..

also, i used to tot that ppl will take me seriously if i were seen a lil bigger in size. being youngest son, i bound wit these custom n rule.. so i kinda hate when ppl see me as little emi all the time. i was too thin, n i feel like invisible sm time with kids sm age but btter built of body.

but i guest, that's ysterday news. i thnk i gain weight tremendously while i jobless in 2005. back in universiti i was an active jogger. to jog around Bukit Expo UPM was like my evening routine or brekfast.

nowaday, it just not diet or exercise to keep slim that i'm focus on. but i think, to stay healthy is a way of showing how grateful we are. syukurr to Allah's gift as He's gv me a complete n perfect set of human body. also.. too much food and weak mind is not good for the soul, if u not know it by now.. LOVe YOURSELF :-D

a lot of parent call me, tnya psl tarikh exam. sbb skolah x bg jadual. aku sndri d luar lingkup pgtahuan, so trpaksa whatapps ckgu lain.

how amazing kan how we change frm page, call, sms, fb n now whatsapps. thing are becoming more easier, i wud say, but not necessarily cheaper. me myself hv cnsider nk pakai internet pakej. nasib baik la bajet xde. so.. this pokai"ness is kinda actually blessing in disguise. setuju!?

berbalik kpd topik exam, parent sll tnya : exam ke test? i dont really get the idea, coz i want the kids to strive excellently every time. but maybe, they care for exam coz exam will determine kelas apa their kids will stay next year..

so, given dat situation, agaknya apa agaknya dlm hidup kita yg boleh dianggap exam or test?

for me, mybe dealing with my housemate ni is a daily test.. or time n sleep issue is a constant test.. exam? my pokai"ness definitely the killer paper kot.. n age issue!! thn dpan dah 30!!! itu mcm ujian akhir tahun.. n i wanna get B+ at least ;-)

i always love story books. aku ingat
lg ms kecik aku penah kmpulkan smua story2 yg aku suka dlm scrap books. ada juga yg aku wat sendiri..

but smhow i dont share interest w fren yg suka tgk movie. x dpt feel fairy tale dlm hollywood movies nowadays sbb they dont want their movie jd disney movie kott.. i dunno y it take me smpai LOTR III br i enjoy.

tp bab tv, i love citer2 mcm Merlin, the tudors, game of thrones.. citer psl zmn dulu2.. suka tgk when woman r woman n men r men.. (if u know wat i mean)

nsib baik aku ngajar BM. so sesuke-suki aku masukkan bab cerita dongeng. bdk2 pn enjoy. the good thing is citer2 ni smuanya ada nilai2 murni..1 thing yg sgt aku tekankan. call me conservatif, but i beleive kids should be kids n live out their fantasies..

aku sll trasa bosan, smtime lost when shopping 4 myself. lately, i hv a conflict. i hate staying home...love 2 go out n see the world. tp.. bila dok sorg ni, life kinda empty. kalo dulu ms dok kg, leh bli apa2 bg kt my lil star or mak aji, at least vitagen or tepung talam. but now, nk bli tuk sapa??

dats y kot my money rather spend utk keje n kids. tp apa sgt yg bleh buat pon. plus i on diet, n sengkek juga. tp sengkek2 pn, dh bli statinary n ni saja dh dkat rm100 lbh..

i dunno where the root of x reti nk bblanja utk dr sndri cm frm.. adkh rs insecure, x ckp kasih syg? gila pgkat? mkn puji? i hope bkn bnda yg negatif..

from wat i see, so far bkn sbb yg negatif. i always tot myself to be "ikhlas" in every lil thing i do. kdg2 kita mmberi ld yg x mahu. kdg2 yg mahu tp x malu pn ada..

Ade org kata bebas itu apbl kita boleh buat apa yang kita suka. Statement ini mungkin bunyi agak negatif dan menjurus kpd bbrp perkara 'kuning' atau 'sosial. Lebih positif bila kata bebas itu apabila kita boleh menjadi diri sendiri : BE ME : do what i loike, dress how i want, speak like how i desire. Ikut suka U...

Dalam dunia latest ni, org x peduli sgt dgn dunia sekeliling. Kalo kapel2 nak kiss2 kat McD pon, xde org nak tegur. Kat Masjid Selayang ni, lepas solat Jumaat, budak2 sekolah menengah selamba pakai kasut dlm kwsn solat smbil sembang kuat2 masa org tgh berdoa. Xde sapa2 nak tegur atau sound direct pon. Mungkin juga semua org sibuk nak masuk balik keje, atau nak balik sambung tido setelah tido masa khutbah.

KL dh nak jd NY kot. bangga wooo!!

So, apa susahnya kalo nak jadi 'ME'? bukan org peduli pun kalo ko pakai stokin pink dengan baju kuning? silap2 org kata ko cute mcm Angry Birds.. x gitu?

Soalan? So, katakan kalo ada org tiba2 tanya aka tegur ME ko tu? kalo org tanya apsal ko mcm ni, apsal ko mcm tu? X KL ke dia? X NY ke depa tu?

There's a part of this story bila ada watak ustaz / ustazah poyo, makcik murai, kaki bawak mulut, penyibuk dll..

Tapi sepanjang kita membesar, kita ke sekolah kan? apa tujuannya ekk? saje x bagi kita duk rumah tgk kartun pagi2 kot? atau kalo dok rumah, xde sape nak jaga kita masa mak kita pegi keje?

Juga pasal mak/ayah kita? pasai apa diorg bantai kita kalo kita malas semayang ye? atau kenapa kalo kita gaduh ngan anak jiran sebelah, sure kita juga yang kena bantai, walau dh byk kali bgtaw budak tu yg cr pasal??

Sejak bila kita boleh taw inilah diri kita? Mcm mana kita boleh sedar this is ME? adakah kita dah settel at 1 point n there's no more room for a change..

p/s : kadang2 lagu2 indah itu dtg dr melodi yg simple dan lirik yg x terlalu puitis - mcm BETTERMAN - Robbie William..

It's been 7 days living with my new housemate.
Kinda like how i imagined. so nothing to complain.

Well, that gonna make this post kinda boring. But that what he is. He's a Pantai Timur guy - Terengganu. So, everyday he eat at the same Kelantanese restaurant, breakfast, lunch and dinner, n probably already make friend with the owner. He told me that that is the nearest and the easiest place he know, which is a total tahilembu coz the medan selera BBS, famous for food area juz a walks nearby.

On the other hand, that's me. I get annoyed with the simplest thing. On how he make sound while getting bath, or he stay at home on weekend looking totally pathetic bored, or he wake up at 6.45 am every morning. So i gotta make way for him to get ready to works, while my window for Subuh is nearly come to end.


I remember y at the first place i wanna a roomate. i spend of my day alone. At skool i focus so much at my work. i get fed up to going out at nite, coz i'll be extremely tired and dizzy coz not having enuff sleep. so i stay at home instead. but then, i am a loner. i spend time alone, doo what make me happy. Work out, movie, FB, cook, eat, books... but then i feel like i lost human contact.

I never believe in settle down for what's easy. So, at that time i'm thinking = however annoying my soon-2-be roomate is, i know this is a lesson about human contact. So, be it a lazy one, mat rempit, clubber, busuk or wte.. i'm gonna stand my ground. This is my home. He gonna behave, but at the same time, i'm gonna learn a lot from him abt living together..


So, right now, i beleive the challenge is there. SO.. Challenge Accepted !!

Mlm ni nonton citer You've Got Mail (1998) - Meg Ryan, Tom Hanks, Greg Kinnear. (plus ade watak Callie Grey's Anatomy ms dia blom popular kot.. jd cashier je).

Citer yg menarik. pasal how technology ms itu (email & chatting service) membentuk hubungan maya 2 org hingga jd rapat. Rasanya banyak juga cerita pada zaman itu, 90'an pasal perkenalan di dunia maya. pasal hubungan tak mengenal rupa dan identiti sebenar. Org just cakap apa saja, bare their soul out, bare it all, or not.. in this case, their hide their identity..


Zaman kini mungkin tak ramai dah yang main email untuk berkenalan. Mungkin ade yg pakai email untuk bisnes, i guess sbb tu blackberry agak penting bg sstgh org.. Tp chatroom? i know sm ppl play chatroom, but for some dirty reason. i tried once unutk menghabiskan masa lapang.. in hoping untuk berchatting kosong dgn anonymous stranger.. tp turn out tiba2 that girl ajak citer psl seks. ewww.. i dont beleive anymore. x taw la masih wujudkan perbualan yg kosong, yg saje2 org nak berbual untuk berkenalan. kalo ade, plzz tell me. Mungkin di forum2??

But i know masih wujud rancangan radiodi Suria FM - Luahan Cinta bersama DJ Lin. Di sini org letak nombor telepon or access to contact diorg tru sms.. hmm.. oy ya, satu lagi.. mll ON CINTA, ON RINDU ~ rasanya benda itu lebih kpd syarikat2 telco kaut untung. Seriously,  what type of ppl yg nak keluarkan duit untuk berkenalan mll cara itu?? i think dulu zaman chatting MIRC popular is coz it cheap..

Tp siapa la kita nak judge cara org nak cari cinta or even, spend their money. What make us so good than ppl who try to cari their own happiness tru their means?

I know sm girls yg dah bosan bercinta, n finally gv up. Serah je la apa yg takdir tentukan di kemudian hari. Kelakarnya, aku juga baru2 ini terjebak dgn sindiket menyebarkan gambar kpd org tgh untuk ditunjukkan kpd org tua. Ala.. mcm org tua2 dulu yg sll berjalan2 dan bawak gmbar anak dara atau teruna yg masih available.. hahaha! So far, date aku masih belum berjaya. Sedang mengumpul kekuatan mungkin. Hehe!

Malam ni aku nonton Into The Wild. Filem directed by Sean Penn.
Masa part mula je, dia dah tunjuk pasal mamat yg travel berseorangan ke serata dunia dan ingin "meninggalkan" nikmat dunia yg "superficial". Bila start  part tu je, aku terus mcm x leh fokus. "Hmm... nie mesti konsep kebebasan mutlak mat saleh lagi. Lately the positive thinking from barat buat aku meluat sikit..


Ok. then as the film bergerak dan menunjukkan base of the action - apa sebab mamat tu nak cr kebebasan itu.. it get better. then dia tunjuk pula apa yang dia belajar. Ok aku citer sikit la..

Citer ni pasal sorg mamat yg excellent dr kolej dan graduate dgn berjaya. Mak dan ayah dia juga org pandai2. Later, cerita ni akan di-narrate-kan oleh watak utama "Christopher" dan adiknya "Carrine". Christopher sbg org yg pandai, banyak dipengaruhi buku2 yg dibacanya mengenai tamadun dan kemajuan manusia. So, instead of reading, skrg dia nak discover benda itu semua. So, dia tinggalkan semuanya. Dia buang simpanannya, keretanya dan menjadi backpacker sejati. Seterusnya, Chris tukar namanya jadi "Alexander Supertramps". So bermulalah tripnya, berjumpa pelbagai jenis org : hippie, farmer yg hidup freely, org tua yg lonely dan most of the time dia duduk di dalam kenderaan yg ditinggalkan di dalam hutan atau dessert.

Pastu, diceritakan bagaimana Alex rasakan hidupnya selama ini is bunch of lies. dan kalo dia teruskan, dia hanya akan grow up jd liar and ppretentious like those ppl. Dia mula berazam nak ke ALASKA. so dia start kumpul duit untuk ke sana. Dia juga sgt berdendam dgn parentnya.Cerita ini bersilih ganti narration dgn Carrine yg menceritakan tahap devastated mak bapak diorg psl abang dia dh hilang cmtu je. Yg lain korg kene tgk sendiri. Finally Alex mendapat jawapan yg dicarinya, iaitu : Happiness Only Real When It's Shared.

citer ni aku tgk 3 kali jugak br abis.. sbb aku x taw apa yg nak agak lepas setiap chapter. Tapi bila dah taw apa yg Alex nak, br lah citer ni jd menarik. See, in life i think is so true. Bukan semua yg kita lihat dan fikir itu betul. Good for us that we beleive in God. But, are we really believe, beleive??

So, for sm ppl who just go with the flow, kdg2 x sedar apa yg might be missing in life. Essence of a man is trilling of adventure - kata Alex. Ketika kita sibuk mengharapkan penerimaan org lain dan menyerah ikut cara mereka, mereka juga mungkin sebenarnya mengharapkan kita menunjuk jalan hidup ke arah mana nak dituju. So, we have to stay strong and stand up for what's right - itu kata aku. Aku x lah sekuat itu.. tp aku akan cuba.