The Wolf Cries

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Scared not Death….
Tonite, I am scared. U see, mggu lepas aku ade meeting hari rabu. Then hari Khamis, aku dpt tau yg hari sabtu ade gotong-royong kat sekolah. Pada masa yang sama, aku juga dapat tau yang kete aku hanya akan siap bila aku setelkan masalah rim yg rosak hr tu. Selagi x beli/ganti rim tayar tu, selagi tu kete aku hanya akan tersadai kat bengkel tu.

So..aku amik keputusan aku nak amik cuti – Khamis, Jumaat & Sabtu. Plannye : aku balik umah hr Khamis, pi Ipoh ngan abg Haris hr Jumaat, n setelkan apa yg patut hr Sabtu. Semua plan nie menjadi.


Cuma masalahnya ialah, aku x amik pun cuti. Aku call my boss few time, tp x dapat. And then aku pi amik MC, tp the doctor refuse to gv me MC. So skrg reputasi aku sgt teruk sbb aku dahle x mention aku nak cuti kat GB, and then aku xde sbrg dokumen utk back-up aku.

Skrg is a bad time for thing like this. Skool aku br dapat GB baru. Dia dh tahu ttg mslh skool dr cikgu lama, n determine to solve the problem. Aku x nak jadi example pertama..


But the worse thing is, my over-reacted mind is doing it’s stupid job and I cant stop it. Aku asyik terpikir mcm mana kalo aku kene tindakan tatatertib and mcm mana aku akan react. Aku mesti meletop sbb selama nie aku sering brpegang pada prinsip aku buat keje aku sebaik mungkin, n I will b ok. But pd masa yang sama, aku x leh lari dr perangai aku yg suka judge org.

Aku mmg x suka judgemental person, but aku mengaku aku mcm tu. Aku suka tgk org, and I normally keep my opinion to myself. So that’s ok, I think. Bukannya aku menyakiti hati sapa2 pun.


So..aku sentap le. Kalo aku yg slama nie wat keje baik (mgkin xlah sebaik mana, tp aku determine to do my best), tp wat salah sikit je kene sentap. Tp kalo org yg stakat berdiri atas pagar, x nk wat sbrg decision, boleh lepas dr segala2nya. X aci la kan. Sedar2 10,15 tahun lg dia pencen n happily ever after.
Sedangkan org2 mcm aku yg wat keje n take some risk, hv to pay for the risk they taken, for the rest of their life. Ye la, kdg2 benda boleh effect dlm rekod, juga pada gaji..or worse pada pencen nanti.


Tapi ni semua dlm otak aku je. Benda x jadi apa2 lagi for now.. Aku kene belajar to stop thinking like this. Selalu sgt bila aku wat salah, or even org lain wat salah, minda aku akan berfikir jauh sgt ke depan. Selalunya akan imagine the bad things je. Sedangkan kadang2 the consequence x le seteruk yang dibayangkan. Aku juga kadang2 siap defend diri dgn mcm22 persediaan. Sedangkan semua tu x perlu pun. Chill Out, gme!!

Aku akan delete blog lagi satu sbb link dgn skool punyer blog. so, aku akan pndah notes2 dr sana ke sini. tarikhnya agak lama... tp semua akan dilabel ngan Lonewolf

Posted by Gmenique Ash Wednesday, October 21, 2009 comments (0)

A lot of thing happened lately. latast wud be, the Beyonce concert - cancelled. Really looking forward for it. but then, wattodo?
Work.as usual. HAte my assistant. trying to not talk or even look at her face. lot of plans actually, but less motivated to do. And it almost the end of school season. just 4 week to go. n then, bye bye kids!
this man is going for a vacation, hopefully. it must be. i didnt do it last year, and feel so missing out.
and hope to go to the east coast. miss Besut.
tgh cari mini laptop
lately i been a bit weak, mind and body.
this cough is not going anywhere, and job are so dull.

today, i went to my class after dat **** go home. try to cmplete my mural, unluckily the water supply is out. so, i take a rest in my thnking chair. my eyes catch smthng i havent see for a long time. MY DIARY!

well..more of my notes actually. coz there's a lot of scetch and "list of thing to do" than a diary.
but, i found my notes from early last year. from the first day i ever step in here.

I must say, i've been far than i had ever imagine..literally.
last year, u even thought about quitting..jobs, hope n everything.
i was so miserable. no happy feeling, like in hell for a week. lonely and sad.
but look at where i am now. still here.

and it kinda answers all my question in those notes:
1. Ini 3 hari, blum 3 mggu, 3 bulan, 3 tahun. mcm mana nk hidup kat sini?
2. Adakah ini perasaan sementara nak fit in?
3. adakah aku akan menyusahkan semua org kalau aku berenti?
4. inikah kehidupan aku untuk 3 thn berikutnya?

well, i'm here n living. miserable but keep going.
it's not dat bad, but there are time i just wanna scream.
how wonderful life when u know where you're heading...

Aku akan delete blog lagi satu sbb link dgn skool punyer blog. so, aku akan pndah notes2 dr sana ke sini. tarikhnya agak lama... tp semua akan dilabel ngan Lonewolf


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Yesterday was a happy news.
got money, manage to do all to-do list, had a gr8 food, like nothing ever go wrong.
but yesterday, true is a history. It had happenend and there's a few things, here and there that i wish i could do better. Yet, yesterday turn out fine, and it slept throught it just fine.



But today is a different story.
Today is full of mysteries and challenges.
Today could be the greatest day happened to me, or a lesson for the rest of my life!
To think of the bad things - there might be a ppl who hate u, mad at u, wanna u dead!
And then u started to built a hope that ppl wud come at ease with u. Comfort and calm u through all the mess.
finally bought myself a MSI WIND! Love it!

But that's life. Chez La Vie.!
You cant live life in fear of making mistake, take a wrong turn, choosing a wrong path.
That's not life if its prescript and rehearsed.

Life is about do mess. Do big mess, screw your head out.
But find your way out of it is the key of ll this.
Your entire life saver is your faith. Knowing that you're doing the right thing for the one that cares!

May 6, 2010. 11:46 PM

SOPAN ~

Saya bukan lembut, tapi sopan!

haha.. iwan mmg kawan aku yg sgt kelakar n lincah! haha..

Growing up, life taught u about the rule n cheat.
Me myself believe the rule is great. It's like the jungle.
Lion eat deer, deer eat tree. Too many deer, tree will pupus. So, we hv to let nature take it course.

But, remember, too many lion, not a good thing anyway.
oklah, x nak peningkan korg dgn perumpamaan segala ini.

so my problem in life is having ppl doubted me. aku slalu dulukan keperluan org lain b4 aku. sbb dr kecik aku kene dgr ckp org being i'm bongsu. my weakness is feeling guilty.

But when we live in KL, it's a living city. Anybody can fit in if they find the right companion. We're free to become whoever we wanna be. there's ppl who will accept the way we are.

but smtime, we all know better that freedom without garis panduan is a car without a brake. jalan je, smpai lggr tiang br berenti.

Kdg2, in search to being urself, u might go overboard. even term overboard tu we all can define sendiri. hari tu ade page facebook lady Ga-go, sabahan i think. ramai je yg kutuk dia. so, sndiri pndg cerminla

I know jalan yg aku pilih nie. Kwn2 aku mostly lembut/sopan like me. I feel relax, free with them. Tp terkadang, when we separated for a long time, and semua org dh jumpa jalan masing2, it's not terkejut that we all will change.

And when we all meet again, we wont be the exactly the same person we known before. But i hope we have the same affection towards each other.

I am me. Mungkin juga aku sedikit berubah, untuk menjadi diri aku yang lebih baik. X nk la ckp makin matang, coz i think matang have been overated. Aku harap dalam kita berubah, kita semua masih boleh menjadi sahabat...walau cita2, citarasa, perasaan kita kini berlainan tatkala kita mula2 kenal dulu.

So, in love note... friends, i need u. coz u all make me feel good of myself. Mgkin kdg2 we all go circle, sentap ngan org nie, kita ke sana; sentap sana, datang sini; tapi yg penting we always come back. jgn pernah fikir utk putus terus. Coz forgivness is sweetest gift...

Ethiophia - the happy city!

6 May, 2010. 11:15 pm

hEROES cOMe AnD gO

I remember how hard my childhood is.
I was the brightest boy in skool, n in my family. I fight for no 1 in class with my nemesis, Fazni the girl who hv everythng. Well, financially, n everythng was kinda ok that time. But still, i was never happy.

Aku x dipilih sbg ketua dlm bdg apa2 pun, coz ckgu x pikir aku ckp tough. My family treat me like a naive kid. i never bond with my 7 brothers. they all bersilat, n my family known for wakil bola sepak. My sisters amik adik angkat from my classmate. Sentap x?

The point is, no matter how good i am, ppl always see this mask on my body. All they see is i'm LEMBUT. It was really hard for me. Even when at high skool, ustaz & ustazah - the person who i anggap mmbawa imej agama, still kutuk2 aku. Aku boleh le baca Al-Quran, tp ustaz tu x benarkan aku utk blajar tarannum, sbb suara aku slow katanya.. Ustazah aku tanya , "mana budak lembut tu, x datang ke?" masa aku x hadir.

I was so frustrated. Aku melihat sepupu aku yg moden n seksi di sblh umah. They live in KL. Ppl still kutuk2 depa coz their cj=hoice of life, but org yg kutuk tu no better. cuma they look so obvious. BUt overall, they have their own life, n x kacau duit org.

There was a time, bila dihimpit gitu, aku pernah tersasar sekejap. Aku nk ke KL (mcm sutun pulak), n be proud of myself. My sister, my ustazah, n everybody semuanya brcakap pasal agama...like aku ni satu dosa. I was a child!!! What did i do that was so bad?

Aku drop out skolah agama, aku masuk St John. Skool tu ade church besar, every sunday ade prayer. Kalo nk sesat senang je. Tapi, nasib baik le aku akhirnya jmpa bbrp org yg show me the way. Aku feel good of me. And aku tahu how to make me feel good. I was happy. Dan pada masa itu, aku kenalpasti apa yg buat aku happy, walau plannya x sehebat mana.

Syukur..jalan yang aku tempuhi membawa aku ke jalan yg aku plan. Matrix di KL, degree n found great friends that now i call friend... n i still know what i want, what i dont want to do.. but, aku x ckp aku x pernah wat mistake. tp wat life without mistake yg akan mematangkan kita?

6 May, 2010. 10:54 AM

Love Me, Hate Me..

Aku rasa my problem is like going cirlce. haha.. mcm wat blog nie la. when smpai certain point, tetiba aku rasa mcm aku jadi berhati-hati menulis blog nie, sedangkan blog nie adalah my solution of my keeping-to-self problem.

so kalo aku berhati2, means that aku x mengucapkan apa yg spatutnya menjadi tujuan wujud blog nie..

OK, i try. cuma 2 be all-out completely, may take time. sbb aku still have that in me, risau if aku ckp benda yg aku regret later. aku x suka sakitkan hati org dgn kata, n i believe that a good thing. kdg2 rasa mcm at that time, aku dikuasai emosi...and org mcm aku berada dlm satu emosi yg lama. aku kalo merajuk lama, kalo marah pun, akan ambik masa utk sejuk. Tapi, kalo aku happy, lama jugak aku tersenyum.

Ingat lagi pada masa dulu, aku pi konsert HMI Anuar Zain. masa tu duk ngan kak mas.
Hari2 pasang lagu Anuar Zain. Bila pagi je, pasang lagu Suria Dan Siarra.

Selamat Pagi Sang Suria, ceriakan pagi

konon2 pemula pagi le tu.

Ah, komplikatednya. So, after this...try made up my mind cepat2, but then aku amik decision. Bukannya macam sblm nie, aku pendam smpai ke satu tahap akhirnya aku lupakan je benda tu. No, thus time i cool down (so that aku x menulis ikut emosi), but then, aku akan menulis di sini. Let my heart pour out in this white canvas, hoping you guys to understand better of me. In hope, we make better this relationship i L.O.V.E.. our FRIENDSHIP!

May 4, 2010. 1:47 AM

Jeans VS Tracksuit

I think jeans is the most popular choice 2day.
Everybody should have at least 2 good pair of jeans in their closet, so-called. i always chose blue jeans, never really fond with black. I think it's mutually to say, jeans make a statemnt in dressing. It's not too simple, but not too sloppy. maybe becos it's too popular, it become too common smtime. i remmber i was kinda boycotting jeans at 1 time, coz i think it's too common. haha..that's me. i hate when smtime ppl are willingly suck up to the whirlpool of popularity.

Tracksuit? huh? sm ppl might hv that impression.. me too.. when looking to others.
But i'm wearing them most of the time everyday. But what is it to compare with jeans. Well, only for some occasion ppl where it. But, if we really pay attention, there's a trend wearing tracks in middle of city. it become a trend as ppl are picking up the trend of hitting n crumping in those gym or futsal..

So, what?
I'm not gonna be a fashion stylist rite here. i know i'm no good at it. The only lesson i know bout fashion is from ANTM, Project Runway or from my fashionista fren.
but that's all.

Few days ago, i'm buying a jeans again. coz all i have is a tracksuit.
I already make a swear to myself to not buy any size of jeans bigger than 34. That's the limit. Either i buy the tight jeans, or i tighten upp my belly. haha.. these obesity is haunting me.

it hard to keep track with my weight these days. i wanna lose weight, but i dont want to force myself. but, what is a goal without a push? well, losing weight is not my biggest concern. finding happiness just to go tru each day is..

so, i'm wearing tracks everyday coz it's comfortable, n stretchable. it just fit itself to how big i grow up to be. let me forget bout the weight my feet have to drag.

with this size, wearing jeans is a pain in the ass - literally.
smtime i hv bruises all over my feet. but, at least it remind me to stop ignoring the fact that i am turning to a buncit man.

Friends = smtime like a seluar we wear.

There are friends like jeaans, it come spot on. they told u thing that smtime, u dont wanna hear. but u know deep inside those words were true. but ur mind keep tricking u. u hate those jeans, coz it make u feel bad. and u try to avoid the frens who tell u the truth coz u feel uncomfortable. friends supposed to make us happy, is it? isnt that the purpose ppl make frens?

Tracksuit frens, they alter themselves, make u feel it all still ok. u hang around with them, coz they make u forget at least 1 of all the mess u have to face everyday. it not soo fashionable, but who care? u feel good, n it's all that matters!

but, it not for long. they will torn, busted at certain point. that time, u know u r no longer fit anywhere. in Jeans, or that torn TRacksuit...

Love ~~

May 2, 2010..

Sudoku @ 5.30 am

It's 5.30am of my 28th birthday, n i'm awake.
Sebelah aku ialah my fren yg keletihan, n probably x dgr lagu

Happy - Leona Lewis

yg aku pasang dengan volume 1 dr Sony S312 aku.

cant sleep, or maybe it just my mind refuse to sleep.
Tonite was an insight. that's why i dont want to sleep.
My original plan was to have a good chat with the girls, but the plan was changed, or may i say hi-jacked. haha.. it's ok. i dont wanna be such a brat. My friends' happiness is my happiness..

so..it was so good sitting in the dark, alone.
give time to me to think bout what is it that i really wanted. All this time, i was so obsessed of finding my true self. About who i am, what i want people to think of me, what i might missed, what i was supposed to do, what was waiting for me outside the little world i trapped now..

but all the image i see is the person i dont want to be.
aku x nak jd like those ppl who have enuf of life, think that they already have everything in life they wanted. so now they want to rest and just go each day 1 day at a time.

aku juga x nak jadi mcm org yg terlampau relaks. relaks smpai xde plan wat to do tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. no plan to make sure the in-coming days will be better than the present. ready or not, future is gonna come anyways..

so these are two type of ppl i dont wanna be. Circle them out, and that's the person that I WANNA BE>

but it was never simple like that. So, i ask myself the big Q :

What kind of the person i wanna be?

honestly, i dont know. itu masalah terbesar untuk aku pada masa ini. dan aku perlu cari jawapannya secepat mungkin. Tapi, dalam pada itu, aku harap pengajaran, pengalaman dan iman akan menyuluh aku dari buat benda yang menyebabkan transformasi aku ke GME 2.0 terbantut.

Harap juga aku jumpa teman yang sanggup dan mahu bersamaku untuk sama-sama kita mengharungi loan jangka masa panjang ini..

Sayang kalian semua.
28, 2 tahun lagi dh jadi 30. takutnyee...