The Wolf Cries

Now that En Tikoos out of picture, i think i found my peace balik..
I dunno why i bertangguh2 nak suruh dia keluar. If i know, keamanan begini yg akan dihadapi, i wud do it sooner. Mungkin sbb i try to convine myself that he's not so bad.Or i sendiri x yakin if I can live with anyone else. See, i'm writing mcm isteri yg mintak divorce kan?

Btw, i hv no interest nak citer pjg2 psl dia.No regrets kan??
I learned a lot from this situation. I learn forgiveness. I learn courage. I learn priority.

Forgiveness.
As easy as org ckp, bukan senang nak maapkan dalam hati, betul? Cakap kat mulut, apalagi SMS, mmg la senang. Nak cakap i'm sorry, atau aku maafkan ko mmg x berapa best jika compare dgn mengamuk and luahkan apa yg terbuku di dada. Anger : mcm rasa lapar. adalah satu drive yg mendesak kita agar memenuhinya. Kalau kita tahan, kita yg x senang duduk. Tapi ada satu lagi nama dia : nafsu. So, dlm hati ni skrg mmg masih ada rasa x puas hati, tapi aku anggap itu seperti rasa lapar yg aku tahan ni. Aku tahan rasa marah itu, cuba padamkan rasa x puas hati itu, supaya aku dpt keamanan. Juga supaya aku belajar sebab kenapa aku perlu marah, x puas hati.. di mana silapnya. Apa yg boleh aku perbaiki.. 

Courage/Keberanian.
kwn2 tahu aku bukan jenis yg cari pasal. aku juga bkn yg byk songeh. Most of the times i end up punishing myself than other coz that's how i was raised. X payah menunding jari kt org lain, kerana jari itu akan akan kembali kat kita. Keburukannya, kdg2 things jut need to be 'let go', tanpa sapa2 kena punish. tp itu la kelemahan aku. So, utk jadi berani, ckp apa yg x puas hati, kdg2 perlu. I hate it when ppl being defensive pdhal xde bende pun. tp ade bende yg worth diperjuangkan. I hope when the time comes, i can master this skills. To learn when to sabar, when to fight, when to let go..

Priority / Keutamaan
Simple. U choose what u want to feel. And i choose to be happy. So we just do what in our power power to achieve the happiness. Kdg2 kita surrender kpd rasa marah, sbb dah x tahan. Tapi kdg2 kita tahan marah tu, and learn to accept keadaan itu... eventually we wud feel the happiness. Tapi, in my case, mungkin kerana terlalu lama memendam rasa marah, sbb tu yg lmbat rasa happy.

Should i get angry earlier? I dunno. I xde time-machine untuk membetulkan masa lampau. But, i have now, and future full of promissess. So.. no regrets!!

I kinda love with my diet skrg. I mean i can put anything in my mouth. Mgkin sbb aku sentiasa dlm mode lapar.

Good thing sejak duk bujang ni ialah kita lihat apa yg kita nak makan sblm dia jd mknn. I mean, bila nak goreng kita tgk brapa byk minyak, brapa byk gula.. dan apa rasanya kalo letak sikit. So, dh agak lama aku x mkn burger. Pi psr mlm jugak dh x menarik sgt.

Bila tgk mkn yg sedap, otak pikir psl kuantiti minyak, gula, garam+ ajinonomoto dan perencah2 serta kebersihan. Skrg ni aku msk smbal asyik kering je sbb takut nak letak minyak bebanyak. So, bila pi beli nasi lemak, teringat psl minyqk yg berlinang tu.

Satu lagi yg best, utk menahan lapar, perlulah menggigit jajan. Roti kering mekda yg penuh satu tin kejap je nak abih dah. Dulu jgn hrp la sapa nak sentuh roti tawar tu. Mmg mula2 mkn xde perasaan. Tp, bila selalu mkn, senang je masuk perut.

What i learn from this experience is: otak kita adalah mesin yg sgt hebat. Dia boleh buat kita rasa sst yg lain dr buasa. Mcmmana, rasa penat, ngantuk, semangat, sakit..

So, apa yg kita nak buat pon, dlm otak perlu percaya dulu, OK!

this picture was taken ms majlis berbuka puasa few weeks ago at Haslam restaurant off jln phg. it was charity event utk asnaf (miskin) dan anak yatim.

i love to attend event2 mcm ni coz i get to know the kids better in more friendly way. biasanya dlm kelas, cikgu2 sibuk nk ngajar in time constrain dan juga nak handle peel satu kelas yg mcm2. ada nk pi tandas, pensil hilanglah, jari luka, sakit perut... mcm2!! so, in event like dis, i can enjoy n talk, even play angry birds with them.. haha. syok!

the boy is fariszudin. he is cute n funny. but for sm reason i hv a blur memory bout him b4 dat day. tp bila ckp ngan dia, it hit smwhere deep in me. bdk ni pndai, tp sian.. miskin. n mskin d area kl ni lg la kesian. kita yg bergaji besar ni pon kdg2 kena ikat perut.. apa lg org berfamili mcm ni.

1 lg..dia tggal kt slyg. area ni, walau dkat kl, tp mcm kmpung. mentaliti. bdk2 kurg motivasi and terdedah pd byk bnda buruk. in a way, bnda2 ni lg teruk dr kg.. i wish the best for him. hrp2 jd org yg baik besar nnti. blh bwk famili keluar dr slumdog ni..

few day after.. i went teaching mcm biasa. totally forgot bout that nite as i was late masuk kelas n guru besar meronda2 d skolah. (jerit!!) tp ms balik ada bdk grab my back and ckp " nak main telefon?" it caught me by surprise coz bdk2 biasanya know their boundaries.. i enforce them :-[ haha... i look at him closely.. oh faris!!!

Ya Allah, br la perasan sapa dia rupanya. patut la selama ni kurg perasan dia. baju dia comot, and dia x byk ckp mcm the rest of the kid. i tgk muka dia lama2, n smwhere dlm hati ni rs sayu semacam. kesian bdk2 mcm ni yg kurg dpt perhatian. we, teacher bkn x nk lyn smua peel bdk2. tp we hv jadual and byk keje2 lain d bahu. masuk keluar masuk keluar, x dnafikan kdg2 yg menonjol saja kita pndang. sian.

i promised myself nver to single out any kids, even b4 dat day lg. but yet, dat was hapen. i promise myself i'll b better next time. Janji!!!

2day is 20th day in ramadhan. i lost 5 kg alredi. so happy. slowly i gonna be in size n shape of how i was 6,7 years ago.

i rmmber i used to hate being so thin coz i feel cold easily. even when other ppl sit in front of a fan with max speed.. to me, that the perfect weather..

also, i used to tot that ppl will take me seriously if i were seen a lil bigger in size. being youngest son, i bound wit these custom n rule.. so i kinda hate when ppl see me as little emi all the time. i was too thin, n i feel like invisible sm time with kids sm age but btter built of body.

but i guest, that's ysterday news. i thnk i gain weight tremendously while i jobless in 2005. back in universiti i was an active jogger. to jog around Bukit Expo UPM was like my evening routine or brekfast.

nowaday, it just not diet or exercise to keep slim that i'm focus on. but i think, to stay healthy is a way of showing how grateful we are. syukurr to Allah's gift as He's gv me a complete n perfect set of human body. also.. too much food and weak mind is not good for the soul, if u not know it by now.. LOVe YOURSELF :-D

a lot of parent call me, tnya psl tarikh exam. sbb skolah x bg jadual. aku sndri d luar lingkup pgtahuan, so trpaksa whatapps ckgu lain.

how amazing kan how we change frm page, call, sms, fb n now whatsapps. thing are becoming more easier, i wud say, but not necessarily cheaper. me myself hv cnsider nk pakai internet pakej. nasib baik la bajet xde. so.. this pokai"ness is kinda actually blessing in disguise. setuju!?

berbalik kpd topik exam, parent sll tnya : exam ke test? i dont really get the idea, coz i want the kids to strive excellently every time. but maybe, they care for exam coz exam will determine kelas apa their kids will stay next year..

so, given dat situation, agaknya apa agaknya dlm hidup kita yg boleh dianggap exam or test?

for me, mybe dealing with my housemate ni is a daily test.. or time n sleep issue is a constant test.. exam? my pokai"ness definitely the killer paper kot.. n age issue!! thn dpan dah 30!!! itu mcm ujian akhir tahun.. n i wanna get B+ at least ;-)

i always love story books. aku ingat
lg ms kecik aku penah kmpulkan smua story2 yg aku suka dlm scrap books. ada juga yg aku wat sendiri..

but smhow i dont share interest w fren yg suka tgk movie. x dpt feel fairy tale dlm hollywood movies nowadays sbb they dont want their movie jd disney movie kott.. i dunno y it take me smpai LOTR III br i enjoy.

tp bab tv, i love citer2 mcm Merlin, the tudors, game of thrones.. citer psl zmn dulu2.. suka tgk when woman r woman n men r men.. (if u know wat i mean)

nsib baik aku ngajar BM. so sesuke-suki aku masukkan bab cerita dongeng. bdk2 pn enjoy. the good thing is citer2 ni smuanya ada nilai2 murni..1 thing yg sgt aku tekankan. call me conservatif, but i beleive kids should be kids n live out their fantasies..

aku sll trasa bosan, smtime lost when shopping 4 myself. lately, i hv a conflict. i hate staying home...love 2 go out n see the world. tp.. bila dok sorg ni, life kinda empty. kalo dulu ms dok kg, leh bli apa2 bg kt my lil star or mak aji, at least vitagen or tepung talam. but now, nk bli tuk sapa??

dats y kot my money rather spend utk keje n kids. tp apa sgt yg bleh buat pon. plus i on diet, n sengkek juga. tp sengkek2 pn, dh bli statinary n ni saja dh dkat rm100 lbh..

i dunno where the root of x reti nk bblanja utk dr sndri cm frm.. adkh rs insecure, x ckp kasih syg? gila pgkat? mkn puji? i hope bkn bnda yg negatif..

from wat i see, so far bkn sbb yg negatif. i always tot myself to be "ikhlas" in every lil thing i do. kdg2 kita mmberi ld yg x mahu. kdg2 yg mahu tp x malu pn ada..